I have decided that the hardest thing post-transplant is conquering the fear. I have been sick and dependant for so long that now I am very unsure of myself and what I am able to do.
I already shared how uncomfortable I was giving up my oxygen, but as of yesterday afternoon it is gone and I am FINE.
A couple of days ago my mom brought up walking the mall to give me a break from the halls here at the apartment. I burst into tears, fearing I couldn't do that. Guess what, I did and I was FINE.
Today we had to return some pants we bought for my dad to Sears. We headed back to the men's department and one minute mom was beside me, the next she was gone. I called out for her, but she didn't hear me. Then I started feeling like a small child who has lost her mom at the store. Two Sears employees walked by and asked if they could help me find something, I said "Yes, my mom." They must have thought I was nuts, but they did help me find her. (She was actually close by, I just couldn't see her.) As soon as I got to her I burst into tears, yet again. I was scared of being alone in the mall, a 34 year old mother was afraid to be without her mommy! She of course felt awful, but I assured her it was just me over-reacting.
Fear is a powerful force that needs to be confronted as soon as possible. I can see where some people post-transplant would become fearful to leave their homes. This is all a new adventure, but by taking baby steps, we can all overcome our fears.
May you never let fear control or limit the life you are leading! Nancy
3 comments:
Sweet Nancy,
I can only imagine the anxiety you must feel as you slowly take these necessary steps and give up the things you no longer need. These things to you were once very important and necessary for you to survive. It is going to take some time for you to let your fear go and gain the trust not only in yourself, but your surroundings as well. As you make progress, I hope you instill more confidence in yourself and see that you can indeed conquer the new tasks at hand. It will take time, and please allow yourself the right amount of time to get your feet firmly on the ground.
I am rooting for you every step of the way and I am with you in spirit. With your courage, faith, and determination, there is nothing that you can't do! Keep smiling my dear and know that you are well loved!
I love you!
Debbie
Dearheart. I have been away from reading your blog for awhile now, and WOW! Look at all the stuff I have missed! You LOOK AMAZING! Soooo beautiful!! And you booked a vacation! How fantastic is that??? I am extremely thankful for you and for all that you have TAUGHT me in the past months. I loooved seeing the two shoes of you. What a great insite to the REAL you! You are amazing. Yes, dear one, baby steps. You cant go back to be wonderwoman, just yet. But remember that your red boots are waiting for you.
(((HUGS)))
How often in our lives fear controls us and then that old expression "the greatest fear is fear itself" kicks in. nothing unusual in what you are experiencing, but i know it is not comfortable for you. each step out will bring more secure feelings and enjoy those steps. a great new beginning.
much much luv from claire, harley and goob
Great news yesterday that I may be doing a program at St. Jude's re: Harley and Goober. Fingers crossed.
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